Playing the long game.

Keeping calm.

For anyone who knows me keeping my cool is not really one of my attributes, i am at best hot headed, even i knew though that this had to be a dish best served cold.

My first concern was that she would turn up and announce she was pregnant, fortunately for me i know people that live in her area and although it took a few weeks of worry i found out she wasn't, however in this time i found out that besides the silly "anonymous" messages and crank phone calls, she had taken up stalking one of my husbands friends,not sure what she told him but he didnt want to be friends with the hubby anymore, at the time i just thought well thats your lookout dude, always been a firm believer that friends should come before a relationship (along with always having both sides of a story before passing judgement) I could have told him there and then about knowing that she was using him,the dates from when she was chasing my hubby to when she started "dating" him, the fact that she knew who he was and where to find him through conversations with the hubby on yahoo but i thought it was probably better him finding out for himself, besides i didn't know at that time what shit she had been filling his head with (still don't). Long story short, within a week or so of hubby finding out about her and his friend and nothing happening - why would it? hes not interested let alone jealous- I got a copy of a text message between her and "our mutual friend" saying that she was going to finish it with him and how sick she feels and how stressed she is because hes so boring and she doesnt want to lead him on anymore, I wasn't surprised, i knew her game all along, just a shame someone else had to get dragged into it, later that same evening i was sent a copy of another text message she sent to out mutual friend it simly read  "im single!!!!!!!"

I had also heard from another friend of hers that he had been sent a naked pic of her (from her) which she later claimed was "not meant for him and sent accidentally) yeah right love....accidentally on purpose more lie..anything for a reaction.


As mentioned in a previous post i have met said slappers ex husband, from conversations with him and of course my own husband (and one of her own friends who contacted me) that she was telling some very disgusting lies about her ex.

1) He beat her.
2) He was abusive to their children
3) He turned their childrens bedroom into a cannabis farm
4) He cheated on her and only allowed her an hour to get out of their house and didnt allow her to tae any of hers or the childrens possessions.
5) He gave her std's.
etc etc etc you get the general gist.

So this got me thinking, if i now she's said these things about her ex which those of us with the slightest ounce of common sense can see is horse shit...she wouldn't need an sti test for the ex's supposed cheating when A) in the 10 months since they'd separated she had been dating (sleeping with) loads of men she'd met on the internet.......so what has she been telling the new men since my hubby about him?....now i know he wasn't innocent and by god has he paid the price,i don't give concessions for the fact that he has had mental health problems, he's still been a complete tit, even so, nothing gives her the right to tell lies about him behind his back, i could have gone to see her mum and dad and taken print outs of all the lies she told me and proved to reverend daddy that his precious daughter was a homewrecking trollop but i didn't....I could have gone to her place of work or her home and confronted her and then given her exactly what she deserved but i didn't...there are many many things i could have done to make her life hell but i didnt do any of them...
After a while when the anger started to recede i started to thin about the unfairness of the whole situation, some may say that i could nay should! have put it all behind me and walked away but that's not me and its not who i am. I started writing this blog as a more cathartic means of ridding myself of my demons, i didn't feel able to talk to friends anymore, mainly because i didnt feel able to open up fully, i never had any intention of naming her but then i thought sod it! I could have behaved like her, i could have gone behind her back contacting people who know her and come into contact with her and dripped poison into their ears about what a lying slut she really is, not my style though, i prefer to give people the right to reply, this way with my settings set to allow anyone to contact she can come here and try to defend herself, i use the term "try" very loosely as she cant defend herself as this is the truth with screen grabs to back them up, no editing no photo shopping no need to the evidence speaks for its self.I also figured as i was writing the blog that i would contact "the friend" and tell him all about her using him...in the nicest possible way of course...so yes love that was me and you're welcome!

The reverends scheming daughter.

Sins of the father?

Perhaps the thing I find hardest of all to take is that she is the daughter of a reverend.
Some of you may think that this shouldn't mean anything but when you consider that she will have been raised to believe in the sanctity of marriage you would assume that she would have more respect.

I have at this point to laugh at myself, you see I know far more now than I did last June. I Met her ex husband in August last year, what a tonic it was to be in the same room as someone else who could clearly see through her "prim and proper" exterior.  If I thought I had cause to be angry then he soon showed me that he was far worse off than I. 

His story mirrors mine in so many ways, in fact it was meeting him that finally convinced me that I wasn't going mad. Their marriage had ended with her moving out of their marital home back in 2011 and taking her two children back to live with her mother and father. The reason for this being that he had discovered her infidelities on her computer, although she had denied to him that she was using a certain dating site he had found her profile on it, she had been seeing other men from said site for quite some time, attempting to instigate affairs with men she worked with and also making secret contact with husbands/partners of her own supposed friends (glad she isn't my friend) After he confronted her he said she became very  weepy and was more concerned about him exposing her to her family, friends, collegues, church and community. He told me he wished that he had thought to take copies of all her messages but between him confronting her and attempting to expose her she had deleted all the messages and deactivated her profile, thus rendering his claims invalid.

She told my husband that she had been forced to flee their home and run taking nothing but her children and the clothes on their backs, how ridiculous a claim that was, he refutes this wholeheartedly and says she in fact cleaned him out whilst he was at work and even told his solicitor she had taken all she wanted from the house. I can't tell the whole story he told me although I will go as far as to say that if you are reading this and you know him and have heard and dismissed his claims in favour of her lies...wise up! 

I will back up his story, she has no concern at all for any other human being, why else would she use their son as weapon against him? Denying he and his family from having contact with a young child, more to the point though why is her reverend father allowing this to happen? How very un christian is it to use a child in such a manner!
However their marriage played out and whatever her father chooses to believe in regards to that, that child should not be denied the right to have contact with his father, his paternal grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins and his  half siblings.

I cannot believe that a man who is supposedly deeply religious would allow his daughter to behave in such a disgraceful way under his roof.

         

Claire Baker the wigan Marriage wrecker!

Dissecting her lies!!!!

We'd talked that weekend, intermittently about her, I'd gathered that he'd already told the wigan trollop he didn't a relationship with her several times over the week previous, that he'd slept with her once, that he didn't fancy her or feel anything for her. Now I know what you're thinking, Gullible wife, believes what she wants to believe, I know him though I know what hes like, back in the beginning of our relationship he hadn't been able to keep his hands off me, 3/4/5/6 times a day, as often as we could we would! So for him to say that he had only had sex with her once in 3 weeks meant that I knew damned well he was telling the truth and that he wasn't sexually attracted to her.

The Monday had been a bank holiday so he wasn't working, we were sat at the table that afternoon talking about his childhood when his phone rang, he didn't answer it, it rang until it rang out then seconds later started to ring again...I picked it up off the table, it was her!! I threw it back at him, what the hell does she want?. just ignore her he said,  like hell I will, find out what she wants and tell her to piss off!!

He sent her a text asking what she wanted....."just to see how you are and why you've been ignoring my calls and texts all weekend.....What calls and texts, he's been with me all weekend, he had his phone turned off for most of it but when he turned it back on there were no messages and no missed calls, I'd had it all weekend so he couldn't have checked it secretly....He text her back, "im sorting things out with my wife, we're starting again!.leave me alone!" .....Her "oh nice,and when were you going to tell me? You better hope my tests come back clear or you're going to have a hell of a lot more explaining to do to the MRS!!"..unfortunately for him, I had hold of his phone when that text came through...What the fuck????

What test results???? is she pregnant??????what's she talking about?????

H wrestled his phone back off me and removed the sim and handed it to me, "get rid of it, she wont be able to contact us again", I took it but I didn't bin it, I hid it...

He explained that she wasn't pregnant but the week before had told him she was going to the std clinic  as her ex had cheated on her 9 months earlier!! and she wanted to make sure she didn't have anything, of course by that point she had already had unprotected sex with my husband, I was fuming,he knew he had been with her, unprotected and that she was potentially unclean and then he'd come back to me and potentially given me something he'd caught off her  (we don't use anything as I've been sterilised  years ago).

I'd taken note of her number and began to text her from my phone pretending to be him...I told her my phone was acting up and I'd had to switch phones......By god was she angry....I wanted to make sure that he'd told me the truth about how many times they had been together and whether or not he had told her it was over, turns out he had been telling the truth, so why was she texting him when he'd ended it?
She turned out to be very vile, thinking she was talking to him via text she made very vile comments to him about me "don't come running to me when she's cheating on you again and having one night stands" WTF!!! I have never even so much as looked at another man in 8 years!! "why would you go back to her she beats you!" Haha silly cow, I slapped him when I found out about her that hardly constitutes a beating. "she's crazy.she's a loon" .....nope bitch I'm Bi-polar and unlike you quite emotionally stable thanks....."You two are a disgrace, you shouldn't be parents your kids deserve better than you!" ...hmmm yeah love, ok you go on with yourself, you dont know anything about me, my kids or how we parent them and the more i've got to know about you over the last year the more I see a case it being you who is the bad parent!!...."you're just a liar an unfashionable liar and I hate you" ...HAHA personal insults from the woman who wears leggings with high heels, yeah ok! I then text her back as him and said so are you planning to tell my wife?...Her "she already knows!"....me as him."no i told her we were just friends".....Her "then yes im going to tell her everything".....good I need to hear her side (by this point i still don't hate her, I need her side too).....me as him "what's my wife ever done to you?".....Her "nothing so why should she be able to live her life?"....well what a thoroughly nice lady, I'm beginning to see her spitefulness creeping through. As it happened she didn't contact me straight away she waited a few days, I don't think she liked the last text I'd sent her as him ...."Do as you please I'll tell her you're crazy!!" ....served her right for the loony text...

Contact and lies galore...

 she contacted me two days later on the 6th of June, by that point I'd already hacked into his yahoo account and read all their conversations so I knew pretty much all I needed to know, I just needed to see if their stories tallied with what I already knew.

1'st message...

• Conversation started 6 June 2012
• 

  17:26

  Claire Baker
  

  
  

  He told me he was single sorry if caused any trouble he's now also threatned that he will say im crazy if I tell you when found out I finished it over text Monday so sorry he's meeting his new women on Flirtomatic good luck to you and your children the same got done to me a year ago.
  
  
  

Now I know he didn't tell her he was single because I'd already seen the messages between them on the 12th may (my bloody birthday!) before she had physically met him and she had asked him if he was married.

• 12 May 23:06
  claireab81:Ok cool your not married are you?? xxx

He then replies that he is married and she says....

12 May 23:10
claireab81:Couldn't remember what u said thought u weren't that's all just being nosy xxx how long u been married xx

Rule number 1...never lie to me I already know the truth!!Silly Silly girl, it was me that called her crazy not him but thanks for the flirtomatic information I hadn't known that. I love how she says "the same got done to me a year ago" sooooo you know how it feels but you're happy to try and fuck another family up? what a lovely lady you are!! not!

So i asked her if she had slept with him.

Inbox number 2

Claire Baker

Yeah we've dated been pictures shopping I was with him when he bought. Your sons Xbox game I chose your daughters doll set in toys r us he said your marriage has been dead a year and he was over it but had only moved out four weeks before dating Me which was beginning of may he chats to me on sat nights whilst your out we were supposed go quiz last Tuesday but I was unwell his mum and brother know apparently about me he's just all lies I hate him

Takes a liar to know a liar I suppose! what doll set I asked her, my daughter didn't get a doll set. and how many times did you sleep with him? I asked her.

17:40

Claire Baker

Doll and carry case for your youngest birthday, is she 2/3 can't remember. Twice we had a full day just snuggled watching movies

Well first off she can piss off if she thinks im giving her details about my kids...so i asked her if they were careful!..

17:46

Claire Baker

Nope was tested last wed results next week sorry

Now this is where I got a bit naughty and thought I'd shit her up a bit! so I lied to her and told her he'd met loads of women on his yahoo messenger and had sex with them unprotected so she probably would be sorry, my intention was to scare her into being more careful in future, If I'd known then the type of slag she was I wouldn't have bothered, I just ended up making my husband sound awful, there wern't any other women!

17:51

Claire Baker

That's what he asked me to join because I wasn't up for giving him my number I've been an absolute fool and think u have a right to know as soon as I confronted him about it he went nasty I didn't even know u were married thought until after the first time and he said it was up to you to divorce him as u could get it for free he's a dick and I've told him never to contact me again.

Now then that contradicts what she said in the first place, she claimed she didn't now he was married (we know that she did from the yahoo messages) now she's saying she didn't know till after the first time, what first time?she gives her number away very freely too, half of the north west has it. I knew he'd ended and he had re affirmed he had ended it by text on the Monday but by now I could see she was a blatant liar so I decided to play along and see how far she would take it, so i asked why she had got tested last wednesday but only ended it on the monday.

17:59

Claire Baker

Because he said he loved me and my ex cheated and had had an affair so just routine to check I was clear before we slept together again to protect him really looks like it was to protect me now

He vehemently denies he told he he loved her, in none of his messages to her does he say he loves her, I have to take his word for this, I later found out she had been with loads of men since that aug when she split with her own husband, so the tests were because she's a dirty slut and not because of anything her ex had done..liar liar...I  then re affirmed what id told her before and told her he was a sex addict and he was always doing it...It was funny at the time,sometimes even I think I'm a gobshite!..

18:05

Claire Baker

Omg revolting he told me you knew about me and was seeing someone called Ian and had a one nightstand last week Ian found out about it and then u got jealous of me and him

Oh and we bought elefun at same time it was about 12 quid and the doll set was 40 reduced to 20 we then went shopping in Warrington and he got 2 new tshirts and we went burger king for dinner he paid on his card xx

Yeah ok you money obsessed munter, I haven't been with another man since 2004!! I wasn't that impolite when I told her that though.

18:16

Claire Baker

He's just scum and I sincerely apologise its unfair on you and if u had known I swear I would of told him to fuck off sorry again

I*

So are you love and you did know so that's another LIE!!  I then go on to tell her I plan on paying him back big time and that I've already hacked his facebook,email and yahoo...now she has the chance to tell the truth knowing that i know what their messages say, but still she persists with the lies...

18:27

Claire Baker

He's got a new number been texting him today

And he bought a new phone last week

I was his profile picture wot a dick

Lies again, she was never his profile pic as it was always of our youngest daughter, he was still friends with my family on facebook and my eldest daughter so if he'd changed his profile pic to one of her they would have told me...He hadn't been texting her that day, she'd sent one text to me, thinking i was him, saying that she was going to inbox me and tell me everything and id replied (as him) do your worst she wont believe you...and I didnt because her story didn't match the evidence!..

19:11

Claire Baker

Well I don't know how he got my number but been texting me off that number since 4 th June

What a crock of shit..It was my phone....My number....he had no access and i certainly hadn't been doing it!!...she never contacted me directly herself after that... However, we were destined to have to put up with her silly games for many more months to come!

• 
  
  
  
  

Is she prettier than me? Bringing sexy back.

Finding out.

I'd suspected he was up to something as he was becoming increasingly difficult to get hold of and was becoming more and more obtuse about looking after the children to give me a break. Over the week or so before I finally found the truth out he had been on his phone more and more when he was in my presence, always texting or smiling at his phone, on another occasion i caught him sneaking into my garden when his phone rang...very odd!!. I did confront him about it but he fobbed me off an told me it was his friend, can't remember whether he said Chris or Craig. My children started to complain that when I'd left them with him that he was ignoring them and spending all his time on his phone, I later found out he'd been using my laptop whilst I was out too!

He had come round that Wednesday night at the end of may last year,  the first thing id noticed was he'd bought himself a new phone, I'd asked to look and he handed it over.....BIG MISTAKE.... the first thing i did was hit messages and there she was!!...The first thing i took note of was her name (I'd need that later!) I didn't get chance to look properly, just saw that the messages were pretty mundane..what you up to?...oh nothing,just dropped the eldest off at youth club...boring shit really but still I wasn't taking it lying down!

I pulled him up about it straight away, to be honest I don't remember much about the conversation, I knew I had to keep calm to get as much information about her as possible out of him. I found out she was 30, separated, lived in Wigan and at 5'11" was taller than him (he's  only 5'8") He told me I had nothing to be concerned about and that he just viewed her as a friend. As he was leaving that night he asked me not to "cyber stalk her" but fucking cheeky really, I don't cyber stalk anyone, I'm very very good at cross referencing and researching but without my abilities he would never have been able to find his long lost sister or his fathers birth family, that's a story for another day though.

Is she prettier than me?

Despite my promise not to look her up, no sooner had he left my front door that night I was on his facebook, There was only one Claire on his friends list so she wasn't that hard to find, her profile pic was of her two sons and pretty well locked up and private, I wasn't on his friends list, to be honest I hadn't even noticed he'd removed me until that night, I logged into my daughters account as she was still on his list and as he then became a "mutual friend" I was able to view more of her profile.. I think pretty much the first think any wife thinks once she finds out something goes on is, Is she prettier than me? I'm not vain in anyway shape or form, in fact I'm body dysmorphic and can't have mirrors in my house, so I was expecting a stunning beautiful woman and to deeply deeply depressed, HA, that's not what happened! I had a look through her pics and what i found was a quite ugly woman, dark lanky lifeless hair, double chin, the type that even Gok couldn't fix, funnily enough this offended me more, if he had taken up with some tall, gorgeous blonde supermodel type I think I would have understood but her! my god has he no self respect?.So anyway not to bang on too much, from that one hour I managed to ascertain that she was living with her parents, her marriage had ended in august 2011, she had turned 30 in oct 2011, I knew where her kids went to school (I actually have friends with kids at the same school) and a few other things that I wont go into detail about yet.

Blowing up big time!

The day after when he came round to visit (at my request-I wasn't happy!) I confronted him, that was when the vitriol spilled, how he blamed me for his dads death (i didn't kill him!) and all the other things I touched upon in my previous blog. We did argue and I will admit I did slap him before throwing him out of my house. That's when the shock set in.

I went out to lunch with a close friend the day after to talk things through with her, I told her everything that I'd found out, whilst we were eating my phone rang, It was him!, I took the call outside, Just as well really as he was in a foul mood and I was about to be on the receiving end, I don't even remember why he'd called in the first place, all I remember was him telling me he'd moved on and that I should too and that he wanted a divorce and me telling him that he could go fornicate with himself if he thought I'd sign them and that his down grade was a shame upon him. To be honest the thing that was annoying was how quickly it had happened, our children hadn't even come to terms with that fact that daddy didn't live with us anymore and here he was dipping his wick in a proper munter!

I hung up on him and went back inside, I told my friend what had happened and she said she thought he was just hitting out in anger and that I should show him why he married me, not mention his tart just show him what he was missing.

The gin I'd had that lunch time never even took the edge off the pain I felt that day and with heavy heart I went for the train back home, whilst I was sitting on the train another passed in the opposite direction and suddenly BANG my eureka moment, I sent him a text inviting him to come to the seaside the next day with the children and myself, for a picnic on the beach and rides on the fun fair, I was certain that he would refuse, no doubt his whore had other plans, His reply surprised me, he said he'd love to go but he wasn't willing to talk it was just to be about the children, this suited me fine because I wasn't planning on talking anyway!!

So the next day he arrived early, I'd purposely made sure I wasn't dressed from my back, I'd dried and straightened my hair and carefully applied my make up, and then (after almost losing my towel in front of him, that was an accident!) I went up stairs and slipped into a beautiful strapless maxi dress and put on my perfume...This Mrs was bringing sexy back! and lets face it my opponent was no oil painting!

We had a great day, we wern't supposed to be talking about us but it was him who raised the subject later that day, I had seen him looking out of the corner of my eye, there had been the light brushing past (unnecessarily) throughout the day, after our picnic on the beach and him taking the children for rides on the donkeys, we decided to head over to the fair and that's when he did the strangest thing, after cleaning the sand off the childrens feet and putting their shoes on, he picked my shoes up and cleaned the sand out of them, such a small gesture but do you really remove sand from the shoes of someone you claim to hate, I took this as a sign of hope, through the rest of the day as we took it in turns to take the children on rides (and drag them out of arcades!) I could tell he was thinking deeply, I kept my distance and kept quiet, it wasn't the time to be heavy handed, was he weighing up where he was better off? was he kicking himself for making the biggest mistake of his life? or was he working up to saying he'd meant what he said and he wanted a divorce?

We arrived home that saturday night, I was supposed to be going out to a birthday party that night whilst he babysat the children but he asked me to stay home and talk, to be honest I was too tired to go out anyway, I remember being stood by the kettle when he came in behind me, Him..."about the divorce".. ..oh shit..this is it he wants to go there!...Me.." I won't sign it, its too soon".......he laughs ...what's he laughing at?? ...Him.."what do you want from me?"......Me.."six months! I want you to give the children and I time to get used to the change before you start dating!" ......he sighs....Him.."I've already told you i'm not seeing her, I dont like her in that way, she's really just a friend in my eyes"..I turn my back i know i'm going to cry, he's not having any of it and takes me by the shoulders and turns me back to face him.....Him .."do you think we can get it all back?".....Me..."what?".. Him..."us, what we had?"....Me.."Don't fuck with me! this is cruel!"....he smiles at me, I don't think hes funny.....He looks deeply into my eyes, is he actually going to kiss me? he's looked like he's come close a few times throughout the day but not done,  this will be a first for me, the anticipation I mean,  the first time he ever kissed me I'd been stood with my eyes shut and hadn't seen it coming, I saw it coming this time though.

I wont go into details about what happened that night, what happens between a man and his wife in the comfort of their own home is no one else's business ;)

If I thought that was the end of my problems though I was very wrong, Turned out it was just the beginning, had I known then what I know now I would have made the most of that Saturday and Sunday before we switched out phones back on on the Monday!!

In sickness and in health.

In sickness and in health?

After all is said and done, are the vows we make really that serious and binding?  I like to think they are, Although I had to marry in a registry office both times (my first husband had been married before) I purposely changed my vows so that they were virtually identical to the ones I would have taken in church. When I made my vows I meant each and every word and as I looked into his eyes as I made them I knew I'd never love anyone the way I love him.

I'm not perfect in any way, shape or form, I came into this marriage with some pretty serious baggage of my own. Having been diagnosed Bi-polar at 22 I'm always very honest and up front about my illness and what can happen, better to lose them at the beginning than when you've fallen head over heels in love!  I've been very lucky in most respects, unlike most people that have Bi-polar disorder i'm relatively symptom free and stable, In fact I have been self managing my illness since 2006 with only the occasional course of Prozac to set me back on track, so you could say that this is the reason that I've been very tolerant of what my husband did during his break-down.

Part of the condition to me allowing him to come home was that he absolutely totally and utterly HAD to go and get help! Id sat with him the whole weekend at the beginning of june 2012 and let him pour his heart out, after of course having to face his vitriol when I found out about his mistress and he tried to turn the tables on me.  Having someone scream in your face that they believe the mess they have made o their life is your fault, that the fact he hadn't grieved for his father was my fault,  that people had warned him not to marry me due to my bi-polar disorder (even my own friends and mother he claimed although I suspect it was more likely his own parents) and then as the final insult telling me , no scrub that! screaming in my face that he hated me, well kind of made it hard to take his apologies seriously and to have any form of sympathy for him but I knew that there was something else underneath it.  I can't tell you what he told me that weekend as it isn't my place to break his confidence like that, but that, coupled with the earlier insults flung at me and the guilt of his dalliance with "the Wigan bike" triggered off a chain of events that almost resulted in our children and I losing him forever. He'd become increasingly clingy in those first few weeks after all came to light, even when he was working he would want me to be constantly available to email. On that morning he'd left for work before i woke up, we'd argued up until 2am and i was still very angry and cold towards him, throughout that morning his messages had become more and more bizarre, he'd hinted at suicide before but this time it felt different, the doctor had already diagnosed severe depression so I called our local psychiatric team, school girl error! I forgot that the area that we live in and the area he works in fall under different NHS trusts, which then only left me with one option, I had to email his boss!  It wasn't a decision a took lightly, If I was wrong and it was an attention/sympathy seeking ploy I could have caused major problems and if i did nothing and I was right and something happened because i'd done nothing then i'd have to live with that on my conscience forever. Thank god I sent that email! His boss went to look for him after reading my email and caught him about to cut his own wrists with a knife, all hell broke loose then,  ambulances were called, baby sitters summoned, psychiatric evaluations and then after all that he was discharged into my care on suicide watch. Sorry to sound callous but right at that moment he would probably have had better care from Harold Shipman,  I was so angry with him, for all he'd said,  for all he'd done and for his utter selfishness,  the last thing I felt for him was sympathy and the very last thing I felt like doing was looking after him,  things were still too raw for me at that time.

I can look back at that time now and feel a lot more sympathy than I ever thought was possible, he's a pain up the arse don't get me wrong, needs to be reminded to take his meds every day! I've got past asking (nagging) him to make his doctors appointments I now make them for him and tell him when they are, he's done his cognitive behavioural therapy and is now undertaking immersion therapy, I do have to admit I do get a bit of a sick perverse kick when I know they make him face his fears (tarantulas  the other week)..

The joys of stress conversion disorder.

There's no official diagnosis of his condition at present, they say he has a deep seated anxiety issue stretching all the way from his childhood, he definitely has issues with paranoia but the cherry on top of the cake that I wasn't expecting was the stress conversion disorder, I wont go into all the details you can look that up in your own time should you so desire. The first think I noticed was that he became very shaky and agitated, at first I just attributed this to his new medication. After a while the tremors started to develop into more definite tics, not long after that his limbs seemed to take on a life of their own and would violently fling out, he said he felt them building up most o the time but was powerless to prevent them.  At first he was scared of them, scared he'd jerk whilst holding a kettle and burn one of the children, scared of holding the children in case he jerked and either threw or dropped them and scared of letting them get to close in case he jerked and hit one of them accidentally.  I have been stood too close on occasion and taken a glancing blow from one of his jerks, ouch! The fact that he feels guilty afterwards makes the stress worse and he jerks even more, some nights I have literally had to sleep on my sofa due to the violence and frequency of the tics and jerks.  I can laugh at them now,  they don't bother me, I have learned to spot when his stress levels are building and cut them off and failing that I've learned to duck. His immersion therapist wants me to force him into situations he doesn't like and to make him stay there (crowds etc) easy for him to say, it's not his reflexes being constantly tested :)

Of course all of this behaviour was visible before his "affair" in fact in some ways he was much worse, She had to have been able to see that he wasn't well, everyone else could!
Taking advantage of someone who clearly wasn't well is one hell of an unforgivable low!

As a note he would like me to add that there are no joys to having stress conversion disorder and that it feels like a build up of static electricity...I guess I am going to have to have a little chat with him about:-

A) Irony
B) Reading over my shoulder.

In conclusion...

I never agreed to forgive and forget infidelity, that wasn't a part of my vows and he knows me well enough to know that I am incapable of either.  I did vow in sickness and in health though and in my honest opinion had he not been ill he would never have done this, others may disagree with that sentiment and that's fine as we are all entitled to our opinions but this is the reason why I didn't walk away.  

When things first came to light my nan took me to one side and said "in my day divorce wasn't that easy, folk had to work at it (marriage) come what may" Too many people walk away from their marriages for petty reasons, how many of them could have made it had they just tried that bit harder? How many people have failed because they haven't realised how close they were to that breakthrough? I wont pretend it was easy because it most certainly wasn't, I wanted to divorce him for the first 7 months after I found out.

I never thought I'd ever be able to forgive such a betrayal, I walked away from my first marriage because my first husband had been an abusive  drunk, I'd assumed that  I'd walk away again,  just goes to show that you never know how you will handle a situation until you're faced with it.

 

 

To have and to hold, The beginning of the end.

To have and to hold?

If you'd asked me my views about infidelity this time last year, I'd probably have told you that it's unforgivable and the end of the marriage. Oh how naive a view that turned out to be!

So how do you get to the point where one of you commits the ultimate sin against your marriage?

 Adultery isn't an accident, falling off your bike is and accident, falling into another woman's vagina is not an accident!

I never thought I'd ever have to face this and over the past twelve months i have had to do a lot of thinking. First off I don't blame myself, at least not in the sense of that i wasn't a good enough wife, I saw the sign but then again I'd been seeing them for 5 years prior to his "affair" , his dad had died in 2007 and to be honest due to a long list of complicated factors in our lives he'd never grieved properly. I may come back to this later but for now i just want to say that i knew he was in trouble from the way he was behaving, I'd been trying to get him into therapy or years but he wouldn't go. The culminating events at the end of April last year lead me to a point where i was at my wits end with him and couldn't cope with his temper or outbursts, so when he said he was moving out to stay with his brother i have to admit to being relieved,  I stupidly thought he'd have a bit of space, start to realise he was being an A-hole and come home to me and our daughters. Oh how wrong I was. From that day to this I don't know if "SHE" was already in contact with him when he left, if she wasn't then she sank her claws in very very quickly. 

I know its very common for the wife to blame the "other" woman, this isn't the case here, I blame him equally, the thing i find hard to deal with is her lack of honesty, when everything came out in the end, he was mainly honest with me (perhaps because he knows how good I am at finding things out) but she lied to me a lot! and very cruelly and unnecessarily, I was the totally innocent party, she had known he was married and yet still persued him, a fact she still denies to this day despite the fact I hacked his yahoo account and have copies of the messages between them which prove she's a liar!

I'm past angry and bitter (I know it wont read that way) I'm healing - i think - The thing I find hardest to deal with is the way she came into my life, turned it upside down, It was me that had to deal with her after he ended it, it was me she was messaging via that certain well known social media site, it was me that had to deal with her vile texts and believe me she IS vile, she dragged my children into the whole sordid mess and to top it all off I had to go for an STD test due to her "hobby" of picking up men she doesn't know of the internet and having unprotected sex with them within 24 hours! Not such a nice girl really once you scratch beneath the surface!  Somehow, god knows how, she manages to maintain her holier than though image, butter wouldn't melt, girl next door image, despite the fact that her own marriage ended due to her previously mentioned "hobby" she's managed to convince all that know her that it was in fact her ex doing the cheating and not her. It beggars belief how she gets away with it, I knew she was a compulsive liar from the beginning and I'm pretty much certain she must believe all her own lies.

but......

she's not as clever as she thinks she is, time is ticking away and one day very soon, when she least expects it I will take her down a peg or two and expose her for the liar she is.

To be continued...